This blog comes in 2 parts: best practices, and ideas to consider.
The first three (Remember, Say the Uncomfortable Thing, and Be Flexible) are what we suggest as best practices - meaning these are generally advised to show you care.
The rest are new traditions to help support your loved one (or yourself) through the holidays while holding a loving space to remember your lost one.
1. Remember
It seems so simple, so straightforward - but remembering often goes by the wayside when the holidays come around.
There’s this amazing outpouring of love and support that surrounds the initial event of a death. It’s fresh in your mind, and everyone makes an effort. You offer meals, your company, you attend the funeral, you send flowers and cards, you visit and help out where you can. If love is the heads side of a coin, the grief is tails.
The hardest part of losing a loved one isn’t necessarily the initial event. It’s difficult and it hurts, but there’s so much support to be found. The hardest part of loss is the silence that comes when the commotion slows and it’s no longer new news.
If you lost your spouse in April, for example, you probably had community support for the first month of your experience. By the time the holidays roll around, it’s not new anymore. You, however, might find the feeling to still be raw. It’s lonely, when the world keeps turning while yours feels upside down in grief.
So, in short: bother to remember. Check in around the holidays with your loved ones who have experienced loss - both for the first year and years to come. Your life moves on, but theirs doesn’t. Show them they aren’t alone in their grief.
2. Say the Uncomfortable Thing
Talking about death is hard. We have all kinds of euphemisms for it, like saying “passed on” instead of “died.” There’s nothing wrong with finding comfortable words for uncomfortable topics. The problem arises when discomfort takes over completely and we lose authenticity.
In an effort to avoid bumping into difficult feelings, you might feel inclined to say things like “how are you really doing… since, well… you know…?”
Stop. A huge life change happened for this person - talk about it. Say the uncomfortable thing: “Hey, I know this is your first Christmas since your wife’s passing, and I want to let you know you don’t have to celebrate alone this season if you don’t want to. How are you doing?”
3. Be Flexible
If grandma & grandpa always made Christmas dinner, but grandma isn’t here to celebrate anymore, be open to new ways of celebrating.
Maybe this year, the family will do a potluck.
Maybe dinner is hosted elsewhere.
Maybe grandpa feels very strongly about continuing the tradition and making the meal as usual.
Maybe the whole family gets together and spends the day cooking the same meal with grandpa.
Whatever the case, be open to change. No tradition is worth hurting your loved ones to keep.
This next section considers new traditions. Of course, use your best judgement here. Don’t impose on your loved one at a pace they aren’t yet ready for.
4. Light a Candle in Memory
Perhaps your loved one wants a way to remember and honor their lost one this Christmas.
Something as simple as lighting a candle in their memory could be a beautiful, quiet way of holding space for them.
If they always occupied a certain chair, consider leaving that chair vacant with the candle next to it.
5. Make a Toast
This one has a celebratory twist to a complicated emotion. On a day of celebration, taking time to feel the stillness of grief is difficult. A toast in their memory is a great way to communally hold that moment of reflection and feel as a group.
Whatever you’re drinking - eggnog, water, hot chocolate, cider, beer, or wine - anyone of any age can participate in a celebratory toast.
Especially at family gatherings, this can be a way to collectively acknowledge the family’s loss, remember those who aren’t at the table, and have a moment to feel the love in the room for those individuals. Even the youngest members can raise their cup with the adults while someone shares a heartfelt toast.
6. Give a Personalized Gift
A scrapbook with photos of memories over the years or a framed photograph are extremely touching ways to connect with your loved one.
By that same token, bouquets of flowers as a table centerpiece or a wreath gifted in a tribute to their memory are more sentimental ways to help your loved one feel connected during Christmas.
7. Pour One Out
If Uncle Tommy always spent Christmas hanging out in the big leather recliner with a beer in one hand and a slice of pie in the other while everyone opened presents, then a unique way to remember him might be to pour one out.
Whatever your lost one’s drink of choice was (if that was integral to the holiday experience), take a minute to pour one out in their memory.
8. Say a Prayer
The theme of all our advice around grief and loss is talking about it. By engaging with any of these traditions or ideas, you’re breaking the silence.
If prayer is part of your Christmas celebration, bless the person you lost and express gratitude for the time, memories, and experiences you shared together. Bless those who are still hurting from their loss, acknowledge that their pain isn’t over, and ask for peace and rest on their behalf.
A word of caution here: platitudes like “at least they aren’t hurting anymore” can do more damage than help. Speak from the heart, and let the honest emotions you feel or the feelings of your loved one come through in your words.
9. Visit their Grave (Or a Special Place) Together
Whether this happens on Christmas Day or the surrounding season, consider accompanying your loved one to the place where their lost one rests. Going alone might be difficult, and some tasks are easier with support.
You can leave something, like flowers, a candle, a painted stone, a photograph, or even a gift at the site. Read, sing, say a prayer, or sit/stand in silence - whatever your loved one wants to do.
10. Plant a Tree (or any plant) in Memory
Greenery is incredibly important to decorations during the holiday season. Consider planting something green and living to continue their memory.
Cards on the table, we’re a big fan of this idea. It’s the heart of our business, but we mean it earnestly. Caring for a plant after the death of a loved one feels like you’re still caring for your loved one personally. Around the holidays, you might even decorate the plant you chose - especially if it’s a tree.
Ultimately, whatever you choose to do to support your loved one is personal. These are just a few ideas. We’d love to hear from you: how do you support your loved ones through their grief during Christmas? Do you have any traditions for remembering?
