Let’s talk about grief.
There, we said it.
Oftentimes, just naming the elephant in the room is the hardest part of mourning. Death is among the most taboo topics in western society. It’s uncomfortable.
In an age of technology and digital communication, we have more room than ever to distance ourselves from things that are uncomfortable.
You’re not in the wrong for experiencing discomfort around a hard subject.
“How to go through grief” isn’t a class taught in grade school. Neither is “how to help someone go through grief.”
The thing is: Everyone grieves (at some point).
Our motivation for starting our company, Seeds of Life, was to help people go through the biggest and most universal transition of their lives.
People from all corners of the world send us their stories, sharing who and what actually helped them go through their grief process. We read every single one. Over the last 13 years, we’ve learned some things from those stories.
Here are the 7 acts of love that meant the most to people in their time of mourning - you can treat this like a “checklist.”
1. First Things First: Pick Up the Phone
If you’re under the age of 40, you might not like phone calls. Texts are short, simple, easy, and a total no brainer. They’re also about as ineffective and impersonal as it gets. Don’t send a text.
Instead, take the time to pick up the phone and call them.
Many people don’t want to do this because they don’t know what to say. These are some ideas:
- Hey, I heard the news. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I want to let you know that I’m here to support you.
- I’ll be honest: I don’t know what to say, but I wanted to reach out. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, although I know it’s not easy. You’re not alone.
- It’s okay if you don’t want to talk. You don’t have to do anything or be anything right now. These transitions are hard, and I want you to know I’m here for you.
You’re not going to “say the wrong thing,” as long as what you say comes from the heart. At the end of the day, just showing this person you care is what counts. Death is isolating, so actually talking to them is how you show they mean something to you.
2. Make the Time to Visit
Silence is deafening, and during mourning, it makes for a poor companion.
Take the time to schedule a visit, fairly soon after your phone call. Instead of saying “would you like me to visit,” say “I’m going to come see you. What day is best?”
It’s a little assertive, so it might feel uncomfortable to you if that’s not how you communicate normally.
The reason for this kind of phrasing is many people don’t want to feel like a burden to others when they’re grieving. Feeling small, feeling like a mess, and feeling like too much are all really common experiences. By being more assertive (tastefully so - respect their boundaries if they say no), you help overcome those feelings of “being too much.”
Visiting is especially important if your loved one lost their spouse or someone they lived with. That space probably feels supercharged with memories and emotions, and on top of that, it feels empty.
Show up with the expectation of just being present. Bring a snack, a card, flowers, a movie to watch, or a board game to play - something in case they want to be distracted and feel “normal” for a few precious moments.
But also, be prepared to just be a shoulder to cry on or ears to listen - Whatever they need. Tissues come in handy for visits, too.
3. Food for the Soul
Think about every bad day you’ve ever had.
The kind of day where you’re tired, you’re cranky, and you just want the day to be over. You might lose your appetite, or just not be up for cooking. Picking up the phone to order out is too much work, and the doordash person never seems to get your order right anyway.
Then, someone you love offers to take mealtime off your plate. Maybe they order your comfort food, or make that one meal you like. It didn’t make the bad day go away, but life just feels a little bit easier.
The same is true for folks who are grieving. They’re doing life on hard mode. Between their feelings, any post-life preparations (like planning a funeral, a wake, handling estate matters, etc), there’s so much going on. Cooking? Self care? Forget about it. Spending time on themselves might even feel selfish during mourning, so it gets cast aside.
Bring a meal, or two, or even three over the course of the next few weeks (not all at once). Or, bring groceries and cook while you visit. Give them the opportunity to take a long shower while you make dinner. Eat together. Giving your loved one room to feel like they have an opportunity to care of themselves makes all the difference in the world.
4. Acts of Service (Don’t ask. Just do.)
This is a similar train of thought to our point about food.
Are the leaves in their yard piling up because it’s that time of year? Don’t ask; just show up with a rake and leaf blower. You get the idea. Yard tasks are especially handy, since they don’t require a key to the home.
Here are some other things you can do that are “ask-free” helpful tasks:
- Fold their laundry
- Do the dishes
- Mow the lawn
- Wash their car
- Vacuum/Mop the floors
- Weed their garden
- Take out the trash
- Clean the bathrooms
- Shovel snow
- Fix that one thing in their house that they haven’t gotten around to doing
5. Thoughts & Prayers - In Sincerity
Thoughts and prayers are not the solution to your loved one’s grief; it’s too complicated. They can, however, help you prepare your heart and mind to support the person you’re caring for.
Before you take the time to pick up the phone or visit your loved one, spend a moment with yourself. If you’re a praying person, ask for help preparing your heart, for openness, for unbounded compassion. If you’re more of a meditating person, take time to ground yourself and consider the ways your loved one wants to be supported.
Thoughts & prayers are genuinely part of the healing process, but remember: it’s not about you.
This act of love takes place quietly, diligently, and lovingly behind the scenes, so that the real focus can be on your loved one in their time of need.
6. The Gift of Hope
Remembering and honoring the person your loved one lost is so important, but grief makes it hard to even get out of bed.
Sometimes, we need something bigger than ourselves to help get us through the storms of life. For some folks, this looks like adopting a pet, volunteering, or getting really involved in a cause they find meaningful.
At Seeds of Life, we look to nature.
A memorial tree, for example, lasts a lifetime. It requires some care, especially while it’s young. This is good, since it’ll give your loved one a reason to get up each day. Caring for the memorial tree feels like caring for the person your loved one lost. It’s the gift of hope.
7. Follow Up
Everyone is generous and quick to offer their support immediately after loss, but after a few months, that sense of community begins to dwindle as people move on.
Your loved one and the person they lost had a life together in some way - holiday memories, perhaps a wedding anniversary, the anniversary of their death, a birthday… all of the things that come with connection. For them, moving on is much more challenging.
Take the time to learn what those dates are, then mark them in your calendar. Touch base with your loved one on or around those anniversaries and holidays. The first year will be especially difficult. Showing your love and support as these things come up is a great way to continually be there for your loved one, even after the initial pain passes.